Bum Week 8

Well, folks, if you thought things couldn’t get any wilder with Ethel and her grand ideas, you’d be mistaken. Just when I thought we were done with home improvements (thanks to that cursed garden tub), Ethel done gone and got herself another fancy notion. This time, she wants to put in a rain shower head. Yep, a whole shower that makes you feel like you’re caught in a thunderstorm. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but the only kind of rain I want to be under is the one I can run away from—not one piped directly over my head while I’m standin’ there buck nekkid.
Ethel, though, she’s beside herself with excitement. I’ve never seen a woman more giddy about water since Aunt Betty Lou thought the swimming hole was the fountain of youth. She’s been telling every person who’ll listen about how “soothing” it’s gonna be. Me? I’ve had about enough of this home renovation train. I’m telling y’all, I was this close to putting my foot down—but let me tell ya somethin’. Any man who thinks he can “put his foot down” with his wife is just settin’ himself up to step in something squishy.
“Bum, you’re gonna love it,” she says. “It’s like standing under a summer rain!” Well, last time I stood under a summer rain, I was chasing a cow that had busted through the fence, and I don’t recall that being soothing at all. But, as usual, I reckon I’ll keep my opinions to myself—because you don’t tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, or tell your wife she’s wrong. And trust me, I know better.
But let’s talk about last week’s football, ‘cause at least that don’t involve me standin’ on a ladder or wrangling with a wrench! How ‘bout them Fort Payne Wildcats, y’all? They finally done beat Gadsden City, 28-18! First time ever, too! I reckon the whole town’s still buzzin’ like a mosquito in a summer swamp. Folks around here are struttin’ like peacocks at a family reunion. I mean, people who don’t even like football are actin’ like they just coached the team to victory themselves!
Plainview and North Jackson? Well, ESPN called that a “classic,” and they weren’t lyin’! Plainview squeaked by 33-32 in what was a barn-burner if I ever saw one. Folks will be talking about that one at the feed store for years. Sylvania, bless their hearts, rolled over Collinsville 41-7 like a possum playin’ dead in the road. Fyffe did what Fyffe does—beat Whitesburg Christian 49-7. Geraldine took Brindlee Mountain behind the woodshed 63-14. And my poor Ider Hornets got stung by West End, 33-0. It was rougher than a corncob sandwich.
Valley Head showed no mercy, thumping Woodville 53-0, while Pisgah whooped up on Cedar Bluff 53-13. NSM didn’t even let Section get a breath, beating them 47-0. And Guntersville kept their train rolling with a 34-7 win. Even Alabama had a close one, squeaking by South Carolina 27-25—those Tide boys better tighten up! Meanwhile, Texas mopped the floor with Oklahoma 34-3. I reckon Oklahoma wished they’d stayed on the bus for that one.
Now, let’s talk about this week’s predictions, folks. I reckon Fort Payne will handle Hazel Green 48-13 with no problem. Plainview’s gonna have their hands full with New Hope, but I say they pull it out 34-28. Collinsville will run all over Brindlee Mountain, 58-14. Sylvania will keep rollin’ and beat Asbury 52-12, while Fyffe will steamroll Holly Pond 52-13. Geraldine’s gonna keep up their winning ways, beatin’ Whitesburg Christian 49-14, and Pisgah? Well, they’ll put a whuppin’ on Gaston 56-14.
Spring Garden’s gonna take care of Ider, 46-13, and NSM’s gonna squeak by Pleasant Valley 33-32 in a nail-biter. Scottsboro’s got Arab’s number, so I’m callin’ it 38-27. North Jackson’s gonna win big over Westminster Christian, 54-24, and Appalachian’s gonna beat Woodville 52-14.
Now, before I sign off, let me just say—if you don’t hear from me next week, it’s ‘cause Ethel’s rain shower experiment done gone and washed me down the drain. She’s already out there picking out towel colors and talking about “ambiance,” and I’m over here wonderin’ if I need to build a boat. Y’all pray for me.
Save me a spot by the fence, and I’ll see you next week—Lord willin’ and the shower don’t rise!